So I believe that science and Medicine has a new ailment to identify and deal with. The type of ailment that allows you to feel as though there is a night club in your head. You can hear the constant under ground train rushing through it 24/7 so much so that you can not quiet it. Your thoughts just racing around in there day in and day out, and if you have the unfortunate curse of experiencing a night of insomnia well.. the sound becomes to fierce for you to even sleep. You find yourself looking for any sound, any feeling any calm to quiet yourself... you feel every cell in your body breathe, relax and contract, not in one of those calming ocean type stuff, but like a beginner drummer who no one has the guts to say how he or she sucks. It hurts so much that you start crying, every thought and insecurity is a stabbing reminder that your mind is not calm... you sleep but you don't rest. Or wait... you sleep but each time you do, its as if you just dozed of in class and woke up 5 seconds later in a thought. What I would give for some peace of mind.
May be its because I am constantly looking for a solution to problem... or making up problems so that I can find a solution.. over and over again.. round and round looking for a solution, a way out... a guiding light.. a place to find something to be something. May be running away from something... hoping not to fail, I am 22 going onto 222, so old at this point that I wish I would just die already, so decrepit, I wish God would spare me another day... so scared of the thought. One after the other, after the other... like a leaking tap, drip drip drip...ohh so tired.
I graduated from the University of Virginia, where I went through my years of college so afraid of breaking the rules, being deported... now, I could not care less, I ask myself... why I am here, why I have chosen to live like this... what would possess someone to torture themselves like this? I don't know... I am hoping that it is for real, that it is not a lie, that he stops lying... i don't know. So I graduate, May 2007, it is now April 2008... so the anniversary draws near. I wonder how I should celebrate it, I dare not go back to to see my school of architecture for fear that I would not be able to hold my head up. The bureaucracy robbed my of any sense of confidence made me even doubt my own powers of reasoning... and simple skills, like following instruction.. and hence robbed me of progress, achievement and a sense of importance.
Yes, I have seen worse, but that does not make it ok to live a life that below standard... and what is standard asks you? A life that allows travel, friendship, connection, transport, legitimacy and sense of self-worth. No government should have the power to rob anyone of that, be they citizen or immigrant... but they do all the time... and unfortunately they claimed another victim. So what do you do... you wake up at 4:30am you turn of your TV because it is hurting you eyes and then you sit.. and cry because you can't quiet your mind... you are so far inside your own head that everything is so loud, every cell, every electrical pulse, every muscle... everything is going about its thing conspicuously.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
4 the most part...
How does one start! 4 four years most, if not everyone who ever believes that education is key, spends it in an institution and now, thousands of miles away from home and familiarity, with different people. You form bonds and you do what you can. And finally you graduate... being fed stories of unemployment and general discontent you try to stay in the place where graduated coz after all what? It is the land of opportunity.
After months and months of looking, dealing with people who just seem too busy to call you back to even let you know that they received your resume, being unable to even renew a drivers license, able to file the necessary paperworks to try to begin a life in which you see yourself succeeding but then being told that because of some obvious question on one of the forms with an even more obvious answer you have been rejected and now have to pay double to become a productive member of a society that is not bothered with you because they are bothered with themselves and with issues that are blind-sided with rich people talking at them with facts that make no sense...and oh.. here starts the rambling.. well, it is a blog, thats what blogs do.
Im almost 23 going on 123, as each day passes I find myself less excited about the day.
(back to the story) So you struggle on, day in and day out, in a pit. Yearning for some sort of excitement... should i start a hobby, should i start a blog... who wants really to be bombarded with words and whining from an immigrant! Ahhh 4 the most part, I am not one in a million, all my friends never thought they would be so stuck, it seems it is true.. a friend once told me that, confusion is the best way to bring out yourself...find a creative way to solve your problem. A shot of optimism in a bombardment of pessimism. Even the Anamaniacs said "dont be a dope, don't loose hope". Like millions of other people that feel as though they have something to say... I do too.. not all the time.. there are so many things I wish I could do.
The life of an African Woman, who finds herself in the United States (how original) trying to become apart of a business dominated by men because for some strange reason, she involuntarily accepted the lie that it would be easier here than anywhere else on the planet. Was watch top 20 most shocking unsolved cases and for the case of the missing about to be first year college student, who disappeared in aruba, the lady from CNN says along the lines of, we must be aware of the dangers Americans face when traveling oversees... mmmm I wondered.. what dangers the rest of us face when traveling in America. What arrogance.
After months and months of looking, dealing with people who just seem too busy to call you back to even let you know that they received your resume, being unable to even renew a drivers license, able to file the necessary paperworks to try to begin a life in which you see yourself succeeding but then being told that because of some obvious question on one of the forms with an even more obvious answer you have been rejected and now have to pay double to become a productive member of a society that is not bothered with you because they are bothered with themselves and with issues that are blind-sided with rich people talking at them with facts that make no sense...and oh.. here starts the rambling.. well, it is a blog, thats what blogs do.
Im almost 23 going on 123, as each day passes I find myself less excited about the day.
(back to the story) So you struggle on, day in and day out, in a pit. Yearning for some sort of excitement... should i start a hobby, should i start a blog... who wants really to be bombarded with words and whining from an immigrant! Ahhh 4 the most part, I am not one in a million, all my friends never thought they would be so stuck, it seems it is true.. a friend once told me that, confusion is the best way to bring out yourself...find a creative way to solve your problem. A shot of optimism in a bombardment of pessimism. Even the Anamaniacs said "dont be a dope, don't loose hope". Like millions of other people that feel as though they have something to say... I do too.. not all the time.. there are so many things I wish I could do.
The life of an African Woman, who finds herself in the United States (how original) trying to become apart of a business dominated by men because for some strange reason, she involuntarily accepted the lie that it would be easier here than anywhere else on the planet. Was watch top 20 most shocking unsolved cases and for the case of the missing about to be first year college student, who disappeared in aruba, the lady from CNN says along the lines of, we must be aware of the dangers Americans face when traveling oversees... mmmm I wondered.. what dangers the rest of us face when traveling in America. What arrogance.
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