inside my head

So I believe that science and Medicine has a new ailment to identify and deal with. The type of ailment that allows you to feel as though there is a night club in your head. You can hear the constant under ground train rushing through it 24/7 so much so that you can not quiet it. Your thoughts just racing around in there day in and day out, and if you have the unfortunate curse of experiencing a night of insomnia well.. the sound becomes to fierce for you to even sleep. You find yourself looking for any sound, any feeling any calm to quiet yourself... you feel every cell in your body breathe, relax and contract, not in one of those calming ocean type stuff, but like a beginner drummer who no one has the guts to say how he or she sucks. It hurts so much that you start crying, every thought and insecurity is a stabbing reminder that your mind is not calm... you sleep but you don't rest. Or wait... you sleep but each time you do, its as if you just dozed of in class and woke up 5 seconds later in a thought. What I would give for some peace of mind.
May be its because I am constantly looking for a solution to problem... or making up problems so that I can find a solution.. over and over again.. round and round looking for a solution, a way out... a guiding light.. a place to find something to be something. May be running away from something... hoping not to fail, I am 22 going onto 222, so old at this point that I wish I would just die already, so decrepit, I wish God would spare me another day... so scared of the thought. One after the other, after the other... like a leaking tap, drip drip drip...ohh so tired.
I graduated from the University of Virginia, where I went through my years of college so afraid of breaking the rules, being deported... now, I could not care less, I ask myself... why I am here, why I have chosen to live like this... what would possess someone to torture themselves like this? I don't know... I am hoping that it is for real, that it is not a lie, that he stops lying... i don't know. So I graduate, May 2007, it is now April 2008... so the anniversary draws near. I wonder how I should celebrate it, I dare not go back to to see my school of architecture for fear that I would not be able to hold my head up. The bureaucracy robbed my of any sense of confidence made me even doubt my own powers of reasoning... and simple skills, like following instruction.. and hence robbed me of progress, achievement and a sense of importance.
Yes, I have seen worse, but that does not make it ok to live a life that below standard... and what is standard asks you? A life that allows travel, friendship, connection, transport, legitimacy and sense of self-worth. No government should have the power to rob anyone of that, be they citizen or immigrant... but they do all the time... and unfortunately they claimed another victim. So what do you do... you wake up at 4:30am you turn of your TV because it is hurting you eyes and then you sit.. and cry because you can't quiet your mind... you are so far inside your own head that everything is so loud, every cell, every electrical pulse, every muscle... everything is going about its thing conspicuously.