friend of a friend

.. so in this recession/depression that is going on... there seems to be more and more people that i know getting the raw end of a deal. One person is my boo boo's friend who after working with a financial company for a couple of years, rising through the ranks and getting them a multi-million dollar account (im talkin 10s of millions... its a lot of money) was laid of, no prior notice and with no bonus from his hard work. Mind you, the thing about this bonus is, to receive it, you have to be working in the firm.. now how MESSED UP IS THAT. I am constantly trying to see the bright side of this thing that apparently the whole world is going through, you know, it will breed the entrepreneurs of the next generation but damn... what about the group of us that don't have everything figured out, or who do not know how to go about becoming the next Bill Gates. What about the rest of us that want to be just the average schmo working forever and the retiring to just ok money..
Another friend of a friend who is a civil engineer who was made to move to another state, and then let go. No reasons... no nothing.. I mean isn't this the time that companies become more efficient letting go only of the people that are not productive and keeping those that want to work hard and improve themselves... or is just like everything else.. "political".
Another friend, best friend actually laid off after being pursued by a company that made the position especially for her, who works hard... because she wants to play hard... i mean WTF. No this is what you did wrong, no here is your chance to make it better.. no nothing. Not even a, look we just do not have the money to keep you.

So when you do finally get a job, how much ass kissing do you have to do to keep it, how much real hard work do you have to put into it... to get just a bit of security. And all this because people got way to greedy way too quickly ruined a system that was supposed to give people more of a means. Every other day there is news of another loop hole another unsavory MF who can not possibly be content with earning 1mil/year... so discontent is he/she that they mess up everything for everyone else.
That is three people that i know now who were working and working hard only to be F'd up. I am sure the number will grow... or as the secret would permit... I'm seriously trying to channel my energy into a positive feeling. But I keep coming up with fear. I have tons and tons of ideas... but it ends there.. just ideas. To my friends of friends.. I HOPE YOU success.

the politics of buisness

Sooo as everyone sits and watches the world's money managers have their decisions go full circle, its hard to see a way past it... or if you are me, laugh... laugh my ass off actually. There is a crisis with the people that are holding everyones money while a friend of mine says, "all this craziness doesn't affect, us the poor people because, shit... we are poor, its all those rich people who will be affected". So what do the so called savvy business people of the world have to say for themselves, when the governments that they rejected for free trade and capitalism are the ones bailing them out and buying up their mistakes. Mmmm, maybe the world should have figured out a way to make the dreaded communism work for them before they ran a muck. But its kind of funny to think that the currently in debt US government is spending billions on companies. Is the debt really there, or is there just more buying and selling of debt, transfer of debt, so that instead of fighting corporation there will be fighting the US government. It funny how the lines have become so clearly blurry, and oh so thick.. I mean its obvious that politics is an intangible working within the realm of business, but damn. Its hard to believe that the politics of national governance is going to be concerned about whether or not I have what I need as a young woman to make my quality of life better. So when CNN asks what does this mean to you, and then go on to start talking about 401(k)s and investments and what not... not to say that those with the funds to invest and those that have been planning on their retirement don't have a lot to be concerned about and angry about.. unfortunately they do not make the large majority.. so yea.. how does it affect you me.. and the future that we want..
like my love says... "we should just cash all our money and keep it under the mattress".

in breaking down

i guess when people say you need to cry and let it out.. it can be true. But i sometimes people forget that when you do let it out.. its more than just it.. its sometimes a reaffirmation over and over again of just how sad you are or sad you can get. its funny i have not had a good i broke down and the things that came out of it was an explosion of things i never knew about family members stories they had not even bothered to tell me for... i guess their own reasons.
afterwards i found myself thinking wow... so why haven't you ever told me this.. and now that i am throat deep into whatever i am into you, and i am about to drawn that when you say all this things. it never occured that it would be nice to hear stories of lows and highs much earlier in my life so i would not feel like such a failure as compared. but i guess we must all have our secrets. here is to the secrets of our families may they forever keep us in the dark.

inside my head

So I believe that science and Medicine has a new ailment to identify and deal with. The type of ailment that allows you to feel as though there is a night club in your head. You can hear the constant under ground train rushing through it 24/7 so much so that you can not quiet it. Your thoughts just racing around in there day in and day out, and if you have the unfortunate curse of experiencing a night of insomnia well.. the sound becomes to fierce for you to even sleep. You find yourself looking for any sound, any feeling any calm to quiet yourself... you feel every cell in your body breathe, relax and contract, not in one of those calming ocean type stuff, but like a beginner drummer who no one has the guts to say how he or she sucks. It hurts so much that you start crying, every thought and insecurity is a stabbing reminder that your mind is not calm... you sleep but you don't rest. Or wait... you sleep but each time you do, its as if you just dozed of in class and woke up 5 seconds later in a thought. What I would give for some peace of mind.
May be its because I am constantly looking for a solution to problem... or making up problems so that I can find a solution.. over and over again.. round and round looking for a solution, a way out... a guiding light.. a place to find something to be something. May be running away from something... hoping not to fail, I am 22 going onto 222, so old at this point that I wish I would just die already, so decrepit, I wish God would spare me another day... so scared of the thought. One after the other, after the other... like a leaking tap, drip drip drip...ohh so tired.
I graduated from the University of Virginia, where I went through my years of college so afraid of breaking the rules, being deported... now, I could not care less, I ask myself... why I am here, why I have chosen to live like this... what would possess someone to torture themselves like this? I don't know... I am hoping that it is for real, that it is not a lie, that he stops lying... i don't know. So I graduate, May 2007, it is now April 2008... so the anniversary draws near. I wonder how I should celebrate it, I dare not go back to to see my school of architecture for fear that I would not be able to hold my head up. The bureaucracy robbed my of any sense of confidence made me even doubt my own powers of reasoning... and simple skills, like following instruction.. and hence robbed me of progress, achievement and a sense of importance.
Yes, I have seen worse, but that does not make it ok to live a life that below standard... and what is standard asks you? A life that allows travel, friendship, connection, transport, legitimacy and sense of self-worth. No government should have the power to rob anyone of that, be they citizen or immigrant... but they do all the time... and unfortunately they claimed another victim. So what do you do... you wake up at 4:30am you turn of your TV because it is hurting you eyes and then you sit.. and cry because you can't quiet your mind... you are so far inside your own head that everything is so loud, every cell, every electrical pulse, every muscle... everything is going about its thing conspicuously.

4 the most part...

How does one start! 4 four years most, if not everyone who ever believes that education is key, spends it in an institution and now, thousands of miles away from home and familiarity, with different people. You form bonds and you do what you can. And finally you graduate... being fed stories of unemployment and general discontent you try to stay in the place where graduated coz after all what? It is the land of opportunity.
After months and months of looking, dealing with people who just seem too busy to call you back to even let you know that they received your resume, being unable to even renew a drivers license, able to file the necessary paperworks to try to begin a life in which you see yourself succeeding but then being told that because of some obvious question on one of the forms with an even more obvious answer you have been rejected and now have to pay double to become a productive member of a society that is not bothered with you because they are bothered with themselves and with issues that are blind-sided with rich people talking at them with facts that make no sense...and oh.. here starts the rambling.. well, it is a blog, thats what blogs do.
Im almost 23 going on 123, as each day passes I find myself less excited about the day.
(back to the story) So you struggle on, day in and day out, in a pit. Yearning for some sort of excitement... should i start a hobby, should i start a blog... who wants really to be bombarded with words and whining from an immigrant! Ahhh 4 the most part, I am not one in a million, all my friends never thought they would be so stuck, it seems it is true.. a friend once told me that, confusion is the best way to bring out yourself...find a creative way to solve your problem. A shot of optimism in a bombardment of pessimism. Even the Anamaniacs said "dont be a dope, don't loose hope". Like millions of other people that feel as though they have something to say... I do too.. not all the time.. there are so many things I wish I could do.
The life of an African Woman, who finds herself in the United States (how original) trying to become apart of a business dominated by men because for some strange reason, she involuntarily accepted the lie that it would be easier here than anywhere else on the planet. Was watch top 20 most shocking unsolved cases and for the case of the missing about to be first year college student, who disappeared in aruba, the lady from CNN says along the lines of, we must be aware of the dangers Americans face when traveling oversees... mmmm I wondered.. what dangers the rest of us face when traveling in America. What arrogance.